3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
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me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.