I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
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Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Stop.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me