I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
You Might Also Like
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
(Gaming support cat.)
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
this is the best day of my life
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.