me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
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I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
the three genders
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.