me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
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Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good