Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
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Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.