If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
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Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
We avoided this particular disaster
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”