My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
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me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
LOL
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Me when my alarm goes off