me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
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A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Me too
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Driving in Europe vs Canada
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”