In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
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Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
My boss called in sick of me
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”