The eclipse was like April fools for birds
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Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing