My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
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I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
when revenge coincides with naptime
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?