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[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING