Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
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My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
🍞🦆
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.