Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
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Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!