Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
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I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.