friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
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ugh not again
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
This is no longer winter this is harassment