Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
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Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
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•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
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“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.