A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
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I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
congratulations to them
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?