Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
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As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.