The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
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Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
found this cool rock hiking today
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet