Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
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*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.