kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
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Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
normalize having existential bread
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine