5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
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If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”