Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
You Might Also Like
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Look at this
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.