My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
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Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.