I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
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The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.