I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
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*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?