If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
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[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?