There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
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“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog