I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
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Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/