not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
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After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
My new favorite headline
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.