[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
You Might Also Like
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you