Happy Taco Tuesday
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There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.