me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
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I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
A classic…
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest