Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
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Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
it’s a van. how do they not know this
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?