Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.