When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
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me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Is fructose made with real fruct?
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?