Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
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Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret