JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
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Yes, but it was never about money
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head