me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
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waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March