Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
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I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.