before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
You Might Also Like
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
OKAY DAD
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Favourite diary entry ever
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.