[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
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No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
HELP 😭
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.