DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
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Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
WTF IS THAT!
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.