my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
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Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils