DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
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Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower