while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
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I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!