I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
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Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]