I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
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Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
58.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Mornin
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself